God's Press Conference
Responding to recent events on Earth, God, theomniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions offollowers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humanskilling each other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myselfcompletely clear, so for the record, here it isagain," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference. "Somehow,people keep coming up with the idea that I want themto kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to behonest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to killanyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, inreally simple terms that anybody ought to be able tounderstand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been invoked countless times overthe centuries as a reason to kill in what He called"an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," Godsaid. "If a person tells you it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care whatreligion you are, or who you think your enemy is, hereit is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyoneelse's, ever again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As amatter of longstanding policy, He has traditionallyleft the task of interpreting His message and divinewill to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been giventhe task of pondering His ineffable mysteries,deciding for themselves what to do as a matter offaith. His decision to manifest on the material planewas motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, andsorrow He felt over the violence carried out in Hisname, and over its dire ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because Ithought it was pretty important," said God, calledYahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslimtraditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real roomfor confusion after putting it in a four-word sentencewith one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave toMoses. How much more clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, nextthing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsenseabout, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants meto kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued."It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible,Torah, and Qur'an."
To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So I can see how it could bepretty misleading. I admit it-My bad. I did My best toinspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents havemisinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic,doctrinal bull. I turn My head for a second and,suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets intoLeviticus, and everybody thinks it's God's will tokill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority of His followersas "wonderful, pious people," calling the perpetratorsof Holy Wars as rare exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in,like, the 10th century, and with good reason," Godsaid. "There's no such thing as a holy war, onlyunholy ones."
Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.' It goes on and onthat way, page after page. But, no, some idiots haveto come along and revive this stupid holy-war bolognajust to further their own hateful agenda. So now, people are killing Sikhs because they wear a "turban"thinking they are Muslims."
God stressed that His remarks were directed at anyonewhose ideological zealotry overrides his or herability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's beenmaking this same mistake since the dawn of time," Godsaid. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindusmassacre the Muslims. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, 'Turn the other cheek,'but you've been killing everybody you can get yourhands on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can'tyou people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, anddifferent cultures worship Me in different ways. Butthe basic message is always the same: Christianity,Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism… every religiousbelief system under the sun, they all say you'resupposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not thathard a concept to grasp."
"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humansdon't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other-you've been doing that without any help from Mesince you were freaking apes!" God said. "The wholepoint of believing in God is to have a higher standardof behavior. How obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't wantyou to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board.How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill eachother anymore-ever! I'm serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments.Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began toshake, and He wept.